Jingle Bells + Jolly Judgements: Surviving the Holiday Snarky-ness
Aren't the holidays so magical? Twinkly lights… Glittering snow… Festive music… And a perfectly juicy platter of judgement served up at the family Christmas table.
In the coming weeks, you’ll celebrate the season with family and friends on your mind and in your home. And while some of these gatherings will leave you with “the warm fuzzies,” others may bring uncomfortable, judgemental interactions that end in shame, guilt, or anger.
Judgement abounds this time of year. We judge ourselves in relation to others. [ “My sister-in-law keeps an immaculate home, and mine is always a mess.)” ]
We judge others in relation to us. [ “I can’t believe my brother lets his kids behave like that.)” ]
We feel others’ judgements upon us. [ “My mother-in-law is going to blame me if we’re late.” ]
We even shoulder the anticipated, unspoken judgements we believe people will make about us. [ "I can't post these pictures. The baby looks cute but I have 4 chins and everyone will know that I’ve gained weight since going back to work.” ]
Joining me to chat holiday judgement is Calgary Registered Psychologist, Janice Jenkins. Janice loves supporting individuals through life transitions, peer relationships, and stress management; that makes her the perfect person to walk us through releasing expectations, comparisons, and the need for approval this holiday season.
Here are four types of judgement we think you might encounter this Christmas, and how to help yourself through each:
4 judge-y holiday scenarios + how to cope
on the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me….
1. Self-judgement
We judge ourselves for so many things on a regular basis, but the holidays bring enhanced opportunities for “shoulds” and comparisons, and even ones that are chained together or contradictory:
“I should bake cookies.”
“I should work out today so I can eat a cookie.”
“I shouldn’t have eaten so many cookies.”
“I should have started my holiday diet earlier.”
“I should go find a new outfit to wear on Christmas Eve because I'm too fat for these pants because I’ve been eating cookies on repeat.”
“I shouldn’t spend money on a new outfit.”
…all that guilt, just because something told you that “you should” bake cookies, which maybe you don't even enjoy doing.
Janice says:
”Shoulds can be helpful in alerting us to accomplish a short term or long term goal. But mostly, they’re rooted in reactivity, emotional thinking, unrealistic expectation, and inner criticism.
A simple re-frame in your self talk can include switching your “should” to “could.” It creates a bit more space by removing pressure, self-judgement, and incorporates more logical thinking. We can then acknowledge the big picture of our expectations, capacity, and needs. Maybe you could bake that extra batch of cookies with that perfect icing you saw on the gram, but is really necessary!?
What’s your why? Give yourself a moment to slow down and observe your thoughts, feelings, motivation and really consider why this should is showing up. Do you have capacity to do it? Does it make sense? Is this your expectation? Someone else’s? Why is it weighing you down?
If we’ve eaten the cookies or skipped the workout it might be a sign that we’re not slowing down and tuning in. By removing the criticism (I could have worked out today, and I didn’t vs. I should have worked out today) we name what it is, without the judgement/guilt/shame, and look at how we could meet ourselves differently and more intentionally tomorrow.
You can also think about what you might expect of a friend. Given their current circumstance and daily capacity, would you have the same expectation of them? Offer the comfort and acceptance you would give them to yourself. You are likely your biggest critic! “
on the second day of christmas, my true love gave to me….
2. Judgement of your peers
It’s normal to judge people and situations. Judging means to form an opinion about someone or something based on thoughts, feelings, and evidence. Comparing others and their circumstances to yourself helps you determine how similar or different they are from you, and gives you a platform for relating to them or finding common ground.
However, your judgements of them are probably rooted in your own feelings and insecurities, and focusing on the negative things about them or the disparity between your situations can cause even more big feelings.
Janice says:
“Noticing and judging the behaviours of others is something we innately do as humans. It can give us a frame of reference for own decisions and make us feel better, or it can make us feel worse. If someone else is doing what we’re doing, it reassures us that we’re doing the right thing. If someone is doing something that doesn’t align with our values, it might confuse us, bother us, and we might wish that they would see it the way we do. AND it’s really not ours to change.
When judgement becomes harmful and toxic is when we use it as a form of discernment. That person is right/wrong, good/bad, worthy/unworthy. These are drastic and unfair characterizations, and the person carrying the weight of it is ultimately you.
When in doubt, zoom out. Look at the big picture in terms of why this is bothering or upset you, how this really impacts you, and what the outcome that you’re hoping for is. We are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, actions of others. We can wish it were different, feel frustration or disappointment, and then determine how to move forward or set appropriate boundaries.“
on the third day of christmas, my true love gave to me….
3. Judgements made about you by family and friends
No matter how you choose to raise your children or live your own life, you will hear about it. Having a family member criticize your parenting or life choices hurts, whether it's an aspect you are really proud of, like breastfeeding or returning to work, or something you are acutely aware you're struggling with, like fertility and starting a family, or sleep schedules and postpartum anxiety. Occasionally, the advice offered is a helpful pearl of wisdom, but often, it's unsolicited at best and offensive at worst.
Janice says:
“We all want to feel accepted, to be told we’re doing it ‘right’, and given reassurance or validation.
Setting boundaries can feel daunting, rude, scary, especially at a time of year when we’re in the setting of a Hallmark Christmas movie. It’s inevitable that we feel icky, frustrated, or question ourselves when we receive unsolicited advice. However, we don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor should we neglect our inner knowing and trust in ourselves because someone offers advice that contradicts our decisions or values. We can feel that frustration AND communicate our boundary clearly.
For example, “Thank you for offering your perspective. This is something we’ve put a lot of thought into and it’s working for our family right now. If we decide to make a change one day, I’ll keep that in mind. “
Or, “We’ve put a lot of effort into setting up a sleep schedule that works for all of us. We would really appreciate if you could respect that we need to arrive late/leave early, as it will allow our family to be more present and enjoy the time that we have together. “
Keep it simple. You don’t need to over-explain or change their mind. They don’t have to agree with your decision. It’s okay to have had different experiences, perspectives, or opinions. There are so many ways to do things right as a parent, and very few ways to do them wrong. Again, zoom out. Get curious about why this person might be sharing this opinion. Maybe they’re looking for a little validation that what they did was okay too!“
on the fourth day of christmas, my true love gave to me….
4. The fear of being judged in public or on social media
We have become accustomed to a sense of being watched and evaluated not only in physical public spaces but also virtual ones, on social media. When we post an image or commentary to social media, it comes with the anticipatory dread of scrutiny. Not to mention, there are so many ways of “getting it wrong”: by “trying too hard,” being “fake” or conversely “attention seeking” by sharing something distressing and “too real.”
Janice says:
“It’s so important to do regular check ins with ourselves as we consume social media. PAUSE. Why am I scrolling right now? Where is my attention going? How is this making me feel? Why am I posting this/what reaction am I hoping for? Is this helping or making things worse?
We can’t please everyone. And jumping into social media is taking all of the opportunity for judgement and putting it in a pressure cooker at the highest temp. The holidays can be a time of big emotion, grief, comparison, and it is so important that we protect our energy. Limit your consumption, post from an intentional place, come back to your core values, pay attention to ‘shoulds’. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.”
Judgement is a normal part of human nature, but it's not necessarily kind or productive. Relationships - both external and within ourselves - require compassion, curiosity, and tolerance. When you find a judgmental circumstance this holiday season, focus in on these strategies [ change your “should” to a “could”; remember “this isn’t mine to change”; know that “I can do this for me, and I don’t have to change their minds”; and protect your energy by limiting the scroll ] to re-center so you can sleep in heavenly peace. <3 [ except if you’re reading this, you probably have an infant or toddler so…maybe it’ll help you find peace without the sleeping part ;) ]
If you’re ready to release judgement and comparison, my wonderful collaborator, Janice Jenkins R.Psych., is accepting new perinatal mental health clients in Calgary! You can reach out to Janice and her colleagues at Kassandra Heap Psychological Services when it’s time to expand your circle of support. <3
Bringing you key perinatal care information from experts like Janice is just one small way that a doula can help you #adoreyourbirth. Calgary Certified Doula, adora birth + wellness is accepting birth support + photography clients giving birth at Rockyview General Hospital, South Health Campus, Foothills Medical Centre, Peter Lougheed Centre, High River Hospital, Arbor Birth Centre, Canmore Hospital, as well as midwife-supervised home birth environments! Book a meet + greet today to learn more!